The beginning...

This post is not about my current heartbreak. This happened when i was naive and uncertain...

One Friday of September 1997, my aunt broke the news to me. My dad has already passed away.

So sudden. I never expected it. I broke to tears. Almost hysterical...

There are things that you cannot accept. Things that you know you lost and you could never have back. Things that's so precious that you only realize its importance when it's already gone.

Way back when i was small, Papang and I always play games before sleeping. From guessing game (he will provide the first letter and i have to guess the word which is an object found around the room) to rubber band shooting (each of us will target lizards in ceiling and whoever hit the most lizards wins). He also always brings me to school with him (my father is a principal), and i do have a chance to sit-in with his classes.

But that closeness was impeded when i went to high school. I went to a boarding school and due to financial constraints, I seldom go home like I will go home only every December and vacation time. Cellphone was not yet invented by that time. And i guess i found it "baduy" to make "lambing" with my father.

That was my lost time with my father. We seldom spoke. You know the father-son thing. If only i could bring back time.... whew...

So, during the wake of my father. A night before his interment i am ready to sleep in my favorite place. (It's like a mezzanine with scattered books all around. I just had this space in the center with bed sheet and pillow as my sleeping area. I also do my readings there from fairy tales to myths.) As i was about to sleep, Dennis (not his real name), a much older than me asked if he could sleep there beside me since all rooms in our house were full. It was just ok to me since in a matter of hours I'll be awake to prepare for the burial.

As I was to lose my consciousness, something's tickling in my back. And it was like "what's that?". Until I realized that Dennis is kissing my nape. My heart pounded. Damn , it's as if i raced in a marathon that my heart was beating so fast. Because I do not know what to do, I played asleep. Hahahaha. Then slowly he kissed my lips. At the back of mind i said, if he would do it again (kissing my lips)... hmmm maybe i would give in and try to have a lips to lips for the first time of my life!!!

And ooopppsss, he did it again...

I guess that night, i never slept.

Because i was tensed due to the unexpected happenings, i got out of my den feeling nauseated. And yes i vomited.

worse part...
     I had a hard time hiding the hickey in my nape.

worst part...
     Dennis is my 3rd cousin...